I have been thinking about things *I know scary huh* with the new year coming in a few days as many of us are. I've been asked before in the resent years, "What do you like to do for fun Tammy, what are your hobbies, etc." Well I haven't been able to answer that for the longest time. I jumped completely into a career and drowned my life into if for 10 years. When Mom died I told myself that I needed to re-find myself, that I didn't want to be known as a "good worker" and "good boss" but rather a good wife, sister and friend. So for 5 years I've been searching for the path I wanted and needed to be on. I know, why so long? I'm not sure, but there is a plan and I've needed to follow it. Sometimes I think that you have to totally loose yourself in order to really find yourself. I've never been known for taking the easy road :)

So where in the world am I going with this you may be asking?... My posts are getting a little wordy lately... not as much to post about without the kids running around :(... but anyways back on track. I have re-found one of my all time favorite things to do COOK!! most Anything and Everything!!!

I LOVE cookbooks and love to collect them!! I use to have a New Recipe Dinner night with friends once a month (a long time ago now). Problem with that is that Chad hates to try new things and isn't too keen to having people over, however he's been feeling better with it lately. I'm hoping to in some way find a compromise for us both and be able to do something along this line again, but in the mean time I'm enjoying getting back to my cooking!! and in new ways that I've never done before :) ie: I've started cooking totally from scratch (as much as I can) and I'm really enjoying that. You never know what REAL FOOD tastes like until you use non-processed food!! you know the stuff you grow yourself or that you see, touch, and smell you know the real stuff el-natural!! LOVE IT!! Can't wait to afford to do even more of it!! :) :)

Photography and crafts have been something that I've always enjoyed and have been getting back into as well... *side note- I think that I have about 7,000 pictures of the boys now. I wanted to capture every moment I could, I think... **

Couponing is a passion that I am re-kindling and enjoying. This is a benefit to the whole household and to me, so it's a defiant WIN WIN... I think I'm going to add one more to the list... Thrift shopping ... I use to when I was younger and a little here and there, but I've seen some really cool things done with "finds" and I would like to FINALLY do some decorating to our home and I think that this could be another WIN WIN!! We'll see....

I also have a plan for this year to strengthen my bonds with my family and friends. This isn't at the bottom on the list just where it fit here because I started talking about what I was doing to help make me a more well rounded person again. This little project is number one on my list for the year (just before getting back into shape). It's shaping up to be a great year ahead of me!!

So these are the things that I am doing to re-find the inner Tammy and I'm starting to enjoy the journey more each day!!!

I have been asked to share some of the sites that I've been getting some of my new recipes from... I have posted some of them on the right sidebar near the bottom. 365 Days of Slow Cooking has some really great Crockpot recipes!! She is almost done with the year, I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to post her link here. I found her a few months ago I think that if you check it out you'll find at least a few that will work for you and your family :). What's Cooking is where I found my recipe for my homemade Laundry Detergent we're using.

Have fun checking them out and I'll have fun sharing some of my NEW ADVENTURES this year!! :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

2010...I'M READY FOR YOU!!

BRING IT ON!! :) :)

Merry Christmas to everyone!!

The boys absolutely refused to take a picture unless I was in the picture with them.

After everyone hassled me I finally gave in... I definitely wasn't prepared for a picture...

But the I wanted the picture of the boys (I didn't get one last year they were both sick with the flue) so here we go... the three of us with

Santa!!

This is the boys and Steve on the way out to Utah and their first snow...

Four years ago to the day (well on the same weekend), Chad and I started an "adventure" if you must, but defiantly a change for us in our lives. We flew out to CA and rented a Black Tahoe (the vehicle that I have wanted since they came out with them). We visited with our family and then went and picked up Steve and the boys, Jimmy 3 years and 11 months and Chris 1 year and 2 weeks old. Chad and I knew that our lives where going to change and that there would be good and hard times ahead for us. Boy did we not know just how much. We also talked about the fact that it might be a 5 year commitment that we would be making, of course not sure what that might mean to us. There have been some really good times and some really tough times for all of us.

Steve took a chance to come out here and give his boys and himself a new start in life. That is what we offered him, a chance to get out of a really bad and hard situation. He left his life behind packed what he and the boys had and came home with us. We were able to fit everything they owned (minus a bike and 2 dressers) into and on top of the Tahoe. If you've ever seen the back of a Tahoe you know that isn't very much room. He had a really hard time adjusting to life here in Utah, no beach, SNOW. COLD, being away from friends, starting all over, getting a divorce, caring for his young boys, SNOW, COLD (he is a warm blooded kid 70* is cold for him), trying to "fit in", tying to live with his big Sis and her husband (they have a love - hate relationship) This is just a start of many I'm sure, but Steve is resilient and has come out of it well. He has a "carefree" attitude about life, which drives me CRAZY, but has served him well in his life and probably helped him a great deal over the past 4 years. Now he is engaged again and starting to embark on a new adventure in his life. He has moved out (November 14th…I haven't been able to write about it till now, just wasn't ready to yet) and in with his fiancé, (his sisters approve of her greatly!!) with the boys. They will be married sometime in the late Summer.

Chad was not use to having to share his life with anyone, let alone someone that wasn't his spouse. He had never spent much time around children, boy has he come a long way!! He had a hard time "dealing" with Steve and his differences. They have had some good times (I have proof in pictures), and some VERY TOUGH AND ROUGH TIMES. I think that Chad has had some of the hardest challenges to deal with over the past 4 years probably due to his lack of ability to deal with anger, depression, his health problems, and his dislike to change (to just name a few) . As he would say... he could no longer walk through the house naked… not that he ever does, just liked the ability to do so if he should choose to.

We have had some very difficult times over the past 4 years, for many reasons… but through it all and now at the end of that part of our journey, we have learned how to work things through together!! We have learned to depend on each other, to support each other, to communicate with each other (well we are still working on learning that one better). We have learned that we could make good parents, that we have the ability to help others, and love and care for someone else's children. There have been many other things that we have learned from and grown from. The past two years have been very difficult ones for us (even outside of our living situation). Many challenges that I hope we NEVER have to repeat. We aren't all the way through it, one more big one that hopefully will be over very soon. Even through it all I don't know if I would change much, well wish we wouldn't have had to go through it, but we are different people now on the other side of it all, a different couple, a different marriage, and a new life pathway that we are excited to embark on.

Jimmy and Chris have been through a great deal in their short lives. They are embracing this new chapter in their lives. It is a little confusing for Chris still, but they are young and resilient (don't we all wish we could be like children). They get to be with us after school everyday and Chris before school as well. I think that this is helping them as well as us. Chris is excited to have someone to call mom and not get in trouble for doing so. Jimmy is happy but still not talking a lot about it yet, except to say that he is glad that Heavenly Father answered his prayers and that they didn't move to Hawaii like dad wanted to this summer (I must say so is Aunt Tammy!!!!!!). They both love Cheyenne and being with her, I love that they have her she is going to be so good for them!! Time will heal all things, and together we will be strong and happy.

As for me, my life has ever been changed. I love my husband and I'm so glad that we have been able to work through all of this and be stronger now than ever before. I think that we are stubborn enough that without these challenges we would have never chosen to make the changes in our lives that we so need to. I love my family more than I can ever express. We have been through a lot together, and I am the eldest of us now. I made a promise to keep our family together and I intend on keeping that promise. With that said, I love Steve and we DEFIANTLY struggled, and still do. We had some really hard times, but tried to always remember that we are family and all we have. There were some good times as well, but this was a good move for us so that we can work on being brother and sister again instead of being at each other all the time. I was afraid that we would loose sight of what really mattered, because we were to busy being upset and frustrated with each other. Now we can mend things and enjoy being family again and I love that I'm going to have a sister here close to me!! I look forward to our future together!! And then the boys…. What can I say except they have changed my life!!! They filed my heart and filled a very empty whole in my life. I thought that I was going to be ok excepting that I was not going to be a mother, I learned that no in fact I would like to be a mother… I have so much that I would like to give back. I will be forever grateful to the boys for giving me that joy in my life and for sparking my motherhood instincts.

I hope that they will always know how I feel about them and just how special they are to me and Uncle Chad. They will always have a very special place in my life and heart. I have given them a part of my heart that they will have forever!! And now I can spoil them as any special Auntie would love to do!! I hope that they will always want to be apart of our lives as much as we want them to be apart of ours and we apart of theirs.

This is the boys and Steve now...

I wrote the following on June 7, 2009 and for some reason it didn't post...

I think that it is still very fitting!!!

(even though this is when I thought he was leaving for Hawaii)...

and now I have posted my feelings about everyone in my family.

I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH!!!

***********************************

Ok so in all fairness, and because it’s going to BUG me and drive me insane until I do it, I have to say something about my Brother next… What can I say…
We have had some really great times, and we’ve had some out of this world hard times. A lot of time we have had a love-hate relationship, especially the past 3 years and 9 months…(not that were counting) I don’t bring him up a lot because of this fact. Even though there are days that I could LITERALLY pull out EVERY SINGLE HAIR ON MY HEAD, I still LOVE him and he is still my Brother and Family. He did do the right thing when he got his boys out of a bad situation to give them something more, and the boys have truly been a Blessing in our lives.

Families aren’t perfect and there are some out there that have judged our situation, even harshly, but like they say you don’t know someone “till you walk a mile in his moccasins”. So until you know and have LIVED within our dynamics you shouldn’t be judging any of us. It has been a difficult time having two families living together in one home but more and more it is being done, a lot of times out of necessity and most of the time it is a parent-child arrangement, but as we all know that is not possible in my family and I have that responsibility and roll now. We have done our best to make a tough situation be the best that we can.

Life Gave Me A Little Brother
Author: Unknown

Life gave me a little brother
to teach me about life.
He loves me,
Aggravates me,
and gives me strength and strife.
Thank goodness for my brother
He is as special as can be
Don't mess with my little brother
- or you'll have to mess with me!

Ok, so finding a picture of just Steve or of him and myself was harder that I thought but after what I just wrote I thought that one of all of us would be fitting. This was taken two years ago and is pretty accurate for us... :)

It makes me laugh when I look at :)

I love you Steve, I hope that the next venture in your life will be a good one for you and for the boys!! They deserve the VERY BEST that you, or any of us, can possibly give them!! Please NEVER forget that!!

I Thought that this was a fitting video clip in the times we all seem to be in including my family.

There is so much to be happy for and about in this life. We spend too much time worried about the negative and bad things out there and it keeps us from seeing the BEAUTY that is all around us. I pray that each of us INCLUDING myself will take the time to find that beauty and each of us FIND HAPPINESS EVERY DAY.

Even if it's just one little thing each day amongst our crazy and busy lives. :)

We could do so much more to help ourselves, families, and neighbors.

This is my hope for us ALL!!

Be prepared this is not one of my “usual” or “typical” posts. It is a soul baring post, which is probably more for me than anything or anyone else.

21 years ago today October 6, 1988 I gave birth to a precious little gift from our Heavenly Father. He was 9lbs 11oz and 21” long. I had him 14 hours after my water broke, and was mostly able laugh (with happiness and nervousness) all the way through the labor including “transition” (which was predicted by my whole Lamaze class) and I rarely share this story with anyone. He had all 10 fingers and toes, why is it that we feel so strongly about checking that detail? I remember so much about that day, and I’m more and more grateful for that due to I seem to be forgetting so many details (the past couple of years) of my life that have ALWAYS been SO CLEAR TO ME.

I really feel that I need to tell my story, if for no other reason so that I have a written record for myself and for anyone that might care about it latter in life. Here are some of the details that I remember from that day some of which are more vivid than others:

1. I was living with my Grandparents for the last 4 months of my pregnancy (story there). I woke them up and told them it was time to take me to the hospital. They asked if I was sure and how I knew… really??.. I muttered my water has broken. Well they got up and started getting ready while I called my Aunt Nadine (she was my coach) to let her know to meet me at the hospital. We lived about 4 miles from the hospital and she was a good 30 min away. I had asked Grandpa to give me a blessing before I left for the hospital, I knew my life was about to be changed forever and I needed the Lord at my side. Apparently he was unable to do this without being freshly shaved, so I waited (patiently for being in active labor may I add). So I got my blessing and Grandma and I got into the car, as we were backing out of the driveway we stopped at the end of the driveway while she put her lipstick on (she was very nervous for me). Don’t worry these are very precious memories for me that have always endeared me to my VERY LOVING Grandparents. I must add that my Aunt got to the hospital 25 min before we did… lol :)

2. There was an overflow of expecting mothers that early morning, and I was placed in an “overflow room” with 4 other women in labor. It was a custodian closet…I’m not kidding!! The woman behind the curtain to the right of me had a visit from her Dr. the very same Dr. that “dropped” me as a patient 6 weeks before my due date because he FINALLY “heard” me during a check up that I was going to be doing an adoption. That very moment he refused to be my Dr. It was a very upsetting and dangerous situation for me. Have you EVER TRIED to find a Dr take on a patient 6 weeks before a due date??? It took a lot of string pulling and PRAYERS!! Well this obviously upset me to see and hear him. My Wonderful Aunt, I knew I had picked the very RIGHT person for the job, went and MADE them move me to a private room RIGHT away. This was also good because my little one had fallen asleep and had decided that he wanted a little more time with me.

3. My mom was called and she rushed down (from our home 6 hours away- back then due to speed limits-but she made it in I think 4 1/2 hrs) to be with me, or to make sure that I made a decision that she would be happy with, which was NEVER a contributor to my decision to do what was the best thing for my little one and his life. Mom had never had labor with my siblings; her longest was my brother –go figure right lol- which was 20 MINUTES!! WHATEVER!! So she “freaked” out to see me in full labor. Things got a little stressed and with my asthma that was not a good thing. My aunt came in and did what NO OTHER person would ever dare or be able to do!! She told Mom to calm down or get out!!, told you the right person for the job. Mom calmed down and I went back to laughing and playing Uno… all was good again.

4. My little one was brought into the world. He was taken to the nursery and I was removed to a different ward, without my knowledge or permission. I’m sure that Mom thought she was helping but I NEVER told her what that night and next morning were like for me or even what happened; in fact we never talked about that day EVER. Due to the ward/floor change I was no longer protected from “others” knowing that I was there. The father to my little one, that wanted different things than I, was able to find me. They patched the call to me (not knowing that I forbid any calls and I was suppose to be “hidden” on the directory) I was devastated and tortured for the next 3 hours on the phone. There were some medical complications due to this and the knowledge that the Lord blessed me with some month’s earlier, that this was going to be the only child I was going to bear, later came to be, due in part to this event.

They were also instructed to restrict any contact with my little one, again without my knowledge or permission. FINALLY I was able to force my rights to see my little one and to hold him and let him know how much I LOVED HIM and ALWAYS would. I reassured him that his Parents would love and care for him and give him a wonderful life. His big sister that also was brought to their parents through another mother was very excited to have a little brother and was going to help him and watch over him as I had for my siblings. I only had an hour with him because he was going to be taken home (well that was the plan- story here too..) to his parents. It was an hour that has never left my mind nor my HEART. I know for some that would have been impossible to do, but I needed him to know, I needed to know that I was able to tell him that I would ALWAYS love him and he would always be in my heart. I sent with him a very special blanket that was made especially for him to always keep him warm and be as my arms wrapping around him and a Teddy Bear to watch over him from his “first” mommy.

To set the record straight on one thing, even though this was a troubling time for my mother as well as me I know that she was trying to do what she thought was best for her daughter. I know this even though it did take some time for me to feel this. I had a hard time with her decisions for quite some time and wished that she had trusted me enough to honor my wishes and let me make the decisions that I knew to be best for me. I have never been a week person and have had to deal with tough choices many times in my life (even at that young point in my life). I am grateful that the Lord helped me and saw fit that I was able to get what I needed and that my Mom never had to deal with the knowledge of what I needed to do. I love my Mother and the sacrifices that she had to make on behave of the love she had for her children. It wasn't an easy life nor the one she wished for, but I know that she did the best she could and always loved us. She gave me a LOVING family and life that I will NEVER regret and will always be BLESSED by.

The following are some poems that really hit home and the brilliant song written about adoption by Micheal McLean that Marie sings here, I have listened to since the day I first heard it (rarely without crying). This is the only audio I could find that I was able share, but she really expresses the DEEP feelings and message that are felt in this song. It is from the Donny and Marie Mother’s Day Show on Fox in 2000. I remember watching this live and was touched then by it.

Legacy of an Adopted Child
Author: ????

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One - you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One gave you up - that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling - neither - just two different kinds of love.

Sharing
By Elaine Rideau Tomlin

In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.

And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl* - (*boy for me)
How she wishes she could keep *him -
And protect *him from the world.

But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little *boy.

And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.

So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.

One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.

And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little *boy -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.

But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.

NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.

© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986

How many times have I heard
the word "choose" in this sense?
That I CHOSE not to Parent
a child of my womb.
That I CHOSE not to Love
a piece of my Soul.
That I CHOSE not to hear
his very first laugh.

That I CHOSE not to hold him
deep into the night.
That I CHOSE not to help him
walk his very first step.
What I REALLY did "CHOOSE" was
A family to Love him
as much as they could.
A house to be his home
with his very own bed.
A better Life than I could provide
In my circumstance.
And although I know that I can never have back
those thing that I've never lost.
I know that he has them.
And that must be enough.
To the parents who I "chose". Thank you.

© Cherie Leonard

The words to this very special song;

"From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours"

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
(This poem was based on the writings of a young birth mother, whom she shared with songwriter Michael McClean. It has been set to music and comes with a 100% guarantee that no one who has been involved with adoption in any way will make it all the way through with dry eyes! )

© Michael McLean

Some of my hopes and prayers;

I hope that he has been happy, that he has lived life, that he graduated from High School, that he is strong in his religious beliefs, that he has gone on a mission if he chose to and that he is getting ready to come home, that some day he will want to find me, not to replace his Mother- but to meet his first mom. I have always said that I would start really wanting this from the time he was 21 (hoping to not distract him from a mission), and oh my here it is…

These are just a VERY few of my hopes and prayers but some of the BIG ones…

I can barely believe it. Part of me is crying again and part of me is excited for this new chapter in his life and part is HOPEFUL that he understands and will want to meet me one day,

as I wish to meet my birthmother.

May 31, 2009

I have not posted much in the past few months. For most of you that read my blog, or use to when I was busy journaling our lives, you know that I have had many heavy thoughts on my heart and situations in our lives. All of theses things have stifled my voice, not just physically but emotionally and even my own mind! I have decided that for my 100th post I need to break the silence!!

I have really tried to NOT use my blog as a "venting" place, to keep it all (mostly) smiles…because in my heart of hearts that is who I really am. I have found myself too absorbed in the problems going on around me. I have at times found myself "venting" too much to those around me, I guess thinking that it will in some way help make me feel better (and sometimes it does). Why do we do that??...Why do I??.. I think in the hope that, for me anyways, that getting it out in the universe gets it out of me and that I can breath again, that saying it out loud will make it hurt less, that it will be therapeutic, that I can sort it all out better by saying it out loud rather than keeping it all locked inside like I normally do. Well I know that what I really need to do is place it in the Lord's hands and then let go!! He knows what has to happen, he knows my heart, he knows me better than I know myself. Only he can give my soul the peace it has been searching for, for all this time. I'm definitely the last to say that I'm a saint and I'm sure that I may need to "vent" again, sorry my dearest friends, but I am saying right here today that I am going to do my best to, LET GO AND LET GOD!!... I am going to try my best to let go of the heaviness and take part in the JOY of LIFE again. I DO NOT want to let the ugliness of life to take over my life, to let it stifle my joy and my true inner voice that has been silenced!!!

To all of my dear friends, first let me thank you for letting me vent and for having the patience with me that you have, and second I'm so sorry that I have had times of being "needy" and have taken your time from you. I never meant for things to evolve to that point, so on ward and forward!!

To my LOVING husband, I say thank you!! for all that we have been through and have survived through and we are still here together. It hasn't been easy, what in life that is worth holding on to is, but it has and will be worth it… as our ever so wise Savior has said.

October 4, 2009 @ 1229am
When I wrote the above in May I thought that I was going to get my posts updated. I truly felt this way then, still do but glad that I have moved forward from where I was then. I feel like I have made great progress and have not "vented" nearly at all. So that is nice to see for one's self, that you have made progress.

I have "censored" myself MANY times when writing my posts. I find myself writing and then re-writing them. I worry about who might be reading what they might say or think. So instead of just saying it, I edit myself. Who does that??... I talked to Chad about the joy of blogging starting to to diminish for me. I was really having a struggle with something that I have loved to do and has brought me so much joy. He told me I was INSANE for worrying about it, that I needed to just say what I wanted to and not care about if someone might not like it. If they don't like what they've read they don’t have to read it anymore!! I agree, even though I really have a hard time when I think I may have upset someone but... REALLY... if someone truly knows and loves me they will understand and if they don't then it's THEIR PROBLEM NOT MINE!!! So I may just be more "frank" than I have in the past.

So those of you that love me thank you for support and unconditional Love you have shown me and my family... AND for those that want to just judge me or our lives, you can just NOT come back to our blog!! AND know that I have Chad's FULL support in that and in what I post here!!!

WOW!!!

I've wanted to say that for the longest time now!!!

FEELS REALLY GOOD!! :)

I look forward to returning to my blog and sharing our lives with the people that we care most about. I have really missed looking at our lives and being grateful for what we have!!

So here goes to a new "freer" Tammy and Blog!! It really won't be too much different but there will be some changes.

After 100 posts there should be some evolution right?!? :)