Be prepared this is not one of my “usual” or “typical” posts. It is a soul baring post, which is probably more for me than anything or anyone else.

21 years ago today October 6, 1988 I gave birth to a precious little gift from our Heavenly Father. He was 9lbs 11oz and 21” long. I had him 14 hours after my water broke, and was mostly able laugh (with happiness and nervousness) all the way through the labor including “transition” (which was predicted by my whole Lamaze class) and I rarely share this story with anyone. He had all 10 fingers and toes, why is it that we feel so strongly about checking that detail? I remember so much about that day, and I’m more and more grateful for that due to I seem to be forgetting so many details (the past couple of years) of my life that have ALWAYS been SO CLEAR TO ME.

I really feel that I need to tell my story, if for no other reason so that I have a written record for myself and for anyone that might care about it latter in life. Here are some of the details that I remember from that day some of which are more vivid than others:

1. I was living with my Grandparents for the last 4 months of my pregnancy (story there). I woke them up and told them it was time to take me to the hospital. They asked if I was sure and how I knew… really??.. I muttered my water has broken. Well they got up and started getting ready while I called my Aunt Nadine (she was my coach) to let her know to meet me at the hospital. We lived about 4 miles from the hospital and she was a good 30 min away. I had asked Grandpa to give me a blessing before I left for the hospital, I knew my life was about to be changed forever and I needed the Lord at my side. Apparently he was unable to do this without being freshly shaved, so I waited (patiently for being in active labor may I add). So I got my blessing and Grandma and I got into the car, as we were backing out of the driveway we stopped at the end of the driveway while she put her lipstick on (she was very nervous for me). Don’t worry these are very precious memories for me that have always endeared me to my VERY LOVING Grandparents. I must add that my Aunt got to the hospital 25 min before we did… lol :)

2. There was an overflow of expecting mothers that early morning, and I was placed in an “overflow room” with 4 other women in labor. It was a custodian closet…I’m not kidding!! The woman behind the curtain to the right of me had a visit from her Dr. the very same Dr. that “dropped” me as a patient 6 weeks before my due date because he FINALLY “heard” me during a check up that I was going to be doing an adoption. That very moment he refused to be my Dr. It was a very upsetting and dangerous situation for me. Have you EVER TRIED to find a Dr take on a patient 6 weeks before a due date??? It took a lot of string pulling and PRAYERS!! Well this obviously upset me to see and hear him. My Wonderful Aunt, I knew I had picked the very RIGHT person for the job, went and MADE them move me to a private room RIGHT away. This was also good because my little one had fallen asleep and had decided that he wanted a little more time with me.

3. My mom was called and she rushed down (from our home 6 hours away- back then due to speed limits-but she made it in I think 4 1/2 hrs) to be with me, or to make sure that I made a decision that she would be happy with, which was NEVER a contributor to my decision to do what was the best thing for my little one and his life. Mom had never had labor with my siblings; her longest was my brother –go figure right lol- which was 20 MINUTES!! WHATEVER!! So she “freaked” out to see me in full labor. Things got a little stressed and with my asthma that was not a good thing. My aunt came in and did what NO OTHER person would ever dare or be able to do!! She told Mom to calm down or get out!!, told you the right person for the job. Mom calmed down and I went back to laughing and playing Uno… all was good again.

4. My little one was brought into the world. He was taken to the nursery and I was removed to a different ward, without my knowledge or permission. I’m sure that Mom thought she was helping but I NEVER told her what that night and next morning were like for me or even what happened; in fact we never talked about that day EVER. Due to the ward/floor change I was no longer protected from “others” knowing that I was there. The father to my little one, that wanted different things than I, was able to find me. They patched the call to me (not knowing that I forbid any calls and I was suppose to be “hidden” on the directory) I was devastated and tortured for the next 3 hours on the phone. There were some medical complications due to this and the knowledge that the Lord blessed me with some month’s earlier, that this was going to be the only child I was going to bear, later came to be, due in part to this event.

They were also instructed to restrict any contact with my little one, again without my knowledge or permission. FINALLY I was able to force my rights to see my little one and to hold him and let him know how much I LOVED HIM and ALWAYS would. I reassured him that his Parents would love and care for him and give him a wonderful life. His big sister that also was brought to their parents through another mother was very excited to have a little brother and was going to help him and watch over him as I had for my siblings. I only had an hour with him because he was going to be taken home (well that was the plan- story here too..) to his parents. It was an hour that has never left my mind nor my HEART. I know for some that would have been impossible to do, but I needed him to know, I needed to know that I was able to tell him that I would ALWAYS love him and he would always be in my heart. I sent with him a very special blanket that was made especially for him to always keep him warm and be as my arms wrapping around him and a Teddy Bear to watch over him from his “first” mommy.

To set the record straight on one thing, even though this was a troubling time for my mother as well as me I know that she was trying to do what she thought was best for her daughter. I know this even though it did take some time for me to feel this. I had a hard time with her decisions for quite some time and wished that she had trusted me enough to honor my wishes and let me make the decisions that I knew to be best for me. I have never been a week person and have had to deal with tough choices many times in my life (even at that young point in my life). I am grateful that the Lord helped me and saw fit that I was able to get what I needed and that my Mom never had to deal with the knowledge of what I needed to do. I love my Mother and the sacrifices that she had to make on behave of the love she had for her children. It wasn't an easy life nor the one she wished for, but I know that she did the best she could and always loved us. She gave me a LOVING family and life that I will NEVER regret and will always be BLESSED by.

The following are some poems that really hit home and the brilliant song written about adoption by Micheal McLean that Marie sings here, I have listened to since the day I first heard it (rarely without crying). This is the only audio I could find that I was able share, but she really expresses the DEEP feelings and message that are felt in this song. It is from the Donny and Marie Mother’s Day Show on Fox in 2000. I remember watching this live and was touched then by it.

Legacy of an Adopted Child
Author: ????

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One - you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make yours,
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life, and the second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent; the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile; the other dried your tears.
One gave you up - that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
Now you ask through all your tears the age-old question through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling - neither - just two different kinds of love.

Sharing
By Elaine Rideau Tomlin

In the stillness of the morning -
In the hush before the dawn -
A cry screams through the silence -
And a new life has been born.

And she wonders what will happen -
To her newborn baby girl* - (*boy for me)
How she wishes she could keep *him -
And protect *him from the world.

But she knows that there are "others" -
Who would gladly give the world -
To have the chance to hold and love -
Her precious little *boy.

And she prays to God for guidance -
As she holds that tiny hand -
With the desperate hope that someday -
Her child will understand.

So she bravely signs the papers -
And the tears fall from her eyes -
As she signs away her baby -
The light inside her dies.

One last kiss she gives her darling -
For the "others" have now come -
To claim the life she gave them -
Now a family has begun.

And with heavy heart she watches -
As they hold "their" little *boy -
How she wishes she could somehow share -
A small part of their world.

But she knows this will not happen -
That for her it cannot be -
And always she will wonder -
About the child she'll never see.

NOW the times, they are a'changing -
And a new dawn has begun -
Soon ALL will be together -
With new hope for everyone.

© Copyright Elaine Rideau Tomlin...Adoptee...1986

How many times have I heard
the word "choose" in this sense?
That I CHOSE not to Parent
a child of my womb.
That I CHOSE not to Love
a piece of my Soul.
That I CHOSE not to hear
his very first laugh.

That I CHOSE not to hold him
deep into the night.
That I CHOSE not to help him
walk his very first step.
What I REALLY did "CHOOSE" was
A family to Love him
as much as they could.
A house to be his home
with his very own bed.
A better Life than I could provide
In my circumstance.
And although I know that I can never have back
those thing that I've never lost.
I know that he has them.
And that must be enough.
To the parents who I "chose". Thank you.

© Cherie Leonard

The words to this very special song;

"From God's Arms, To My Arms, To Yours"

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.
(This poem was based on the writings of a young birth mother, whom she shared with songwriter Michael McClean. It has been set to music and comes with a 100% guarantee that no one who has been involved with adoption in any way will make it all the way through with dry eyes! )

© Michael McLean

Some of my hopes and prayers;

I hope that he has been happy, that he has lived life, that he graduated from High School, that he is strong in his religious beliefs, that he has gone on a mission if he chose to and that he is getting ready to come home, that some day he will want to find me, not to replace his Mother- but to meet his first mom. I have always said that I would start really wanting this from the time he was 21 (hoping to not distract him from a mission), and oh my here it is…

These are just a VERY few of my hopes and prayers but some of the BIG ones…

I can barely believe it. Part of me is crying again and part of me is excited for this new chapter in his life and part is HOPEFUL that he understands and will want to meet me one day,

as I wish to meet my birthmother.

May 31, 2009

I have not posted much in the past few months. For most of you that read my blog, or use to when I was busy journaling our lives, you know that I have had many heavy thoughts on my heart and situations in our lives. All of theses things have stifled my voice, not just physically but emotionally and even my own mind! I have decided that for my 100th post I need to break the silence!!

I have really tried to NOT use my blog as a "venting" place, to keep it all (mostly) smiles…because in my heart of hearts that is who I really am. I have found myself too absorbed in the problems going on around me. I have at times found myself "venting" too much to those around me, I guess thinking that it will in some way help make me feel better (and sometimes it does). Why do we do that??...Why do I??.. I think in the hope that, for me anyways, that getting it out in the universe gets it out of me and that I can breath again, that saying it out loud will make it hurt less, that it will be therapeutic, that I can sort it all out better by saying it out loud rather than keeping it all locked inside like I normally do. Well I know that what I really need to do is place it in the Lord's hands and then let go!! He knows what has to happen, he knows my heart, he knows me better than I know myself. Only he can give my soul the peace it has been searching for, for all this time. I'm definitely the last to say that I'm a saint and I'm sure that I may need to "vent" again, sorry my dearest friends, but I am saying right here today that I am going to do my best to, LET GO AND LET GOD!!... I am going to try my best to let go of the heaviness and take part in the JOY of LIFE again. I DO NOT want to let the ugliness of life to take over my life, to let it stifle my joy and my true inner voice that has been silenced!!!

To all of my dear friends, first let me thank you for letting me vent and for having the patience with me that you have, and second I'm so sorry that I have had times of being "needy" and have taken your time from you. I never meant for things to evolve to that point, so on ward and forward!!

To my LOVING husband, I say thank you!! for all that we have been through and have survived through and we are still here together. It hasn't been easy, what in life that is worth holding on to is, but it has and will be worth it… as our ever so wise Savior has said.

October 4, 2009 @ 1229am
When I wrote the above in May I thought that I was going to get my posts updated. I truly felt this way then, still do but glad that I have moved forward from where I was then. I feel like I have made great progress and have not "vented" nearly at all. So that is nice to see for one's self, that you have made progress.

I have "censored" myself MANY times when writing my posts. I find myself writing and then re-writing them. I worry about who might be reading what they might say or think. So instead of just saying it, I edit myself. Who does that??... I talked to Chad about the joy of blogging starting to to diminish for me. I was really having a struggle with something that I have loved to do and has brought me so much joy. He told me I was INSANE for worrying about it, that I needed to just say what I wanted to and not care about if someone might not like it. If they don't like what they've read they don’t have to read it anymore!! I agree, even though I really have a hard time when I think I may have upset someone but... REALLY... if someone truly knows and loves me they will understand and if they don't then it's THEIR PROBLEM NOT MINE!!! So I may just be more "frank" than I have in the past.

So those of you that love me thank you for support and unconditional Love you have shown me and my family... AND for those that want to just judge me or our lives, you can just NOT come back to our blog!! AND know that I have Chad's FULL support in that and in what I post here!!!

WOW!!!

I've wanted to say that for the longest time now!!!

FEELS REALLY GOOD!! :)

I look forward to returning to my blog and sharing our lives with the people that we care most about. I have really missed looking at our lives and being grateful for what we have!!

So here goes to a new "freer" Tammy and Blog!! It really won't be too much different but there will be some changes.

After 100 posts there should be some evolution right?!? :)